Dillow gives a long but very useful appendix - Keith Hunt
NEW APPROACHES TO SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION
Here, I have attempted to gather some specific information
related to two of the most common problems brought into my office
for counselling - premature ejaculation and orgasmic dysfunction
("frigidity"). While this material obviously is not derived from
an exegesis of the Song of Solomon, it has been so significantly
helpful to those with whom I have spoken that 1 felt it should be
included as an appendix to the book. This information has been
developed from consultations with gynaecologists counsellors
specializing in problems related to sexual dysfunctions, my own
counselling experience, and readings from some of the more recent
medical studies available.
According to numerous studies, half the people reading this
mated will identify with the factors being discussed. In this
country, 50 percent or the marriages are "sexually dysfunctional
or imminently so."
It is extremely difficult to reduce problems as complex as
these to paper. They really need to be dealt with by a qualified
Christian counsellor. The problem is that so few counsellors are
available. Dallas, for example, with a population of over one
million and an evangelical population larger than any other city
in the country, has not one Christian counsellor that specializes
in dealing with sexual problems Thus, to advise a Christian
couple to go see a counsellor (as many psychologists reading this
section would be prone to do) is like telling a blind man to see;
it's impossible! There isn't anyone! Thus, this information must
be communicated in written form.
Having said that, some definite guidelines can be charted
that, when faithfully applied, can bring relief to many who read
this book If the "steps to solution" outlined here don't seem to
work for you, that doesn't at all imply there is something wrong
with you; it simply means the interpersonal issues are much more
complex than I can relate to on paper. Furthermore, if these
suggestions do not help, that by no means implies the problem
cannot be solved. So consider these ideas as tentative
guidelines, and trust the Lord to use them in your lives as He
FOUR GENERAL ATTITUDES TO AVOID
These "attitudes to avoid" have been discerned in the
counselling office time and time again.
Avoid "blaming your mate"
Numerous counsellors will say that until the couple begins
to view the marriage relationship as the "patient" instead of one
another, no progress can be made. The problem is not yours, or
hers, or his; it's your relationship that needs treatment. For
example, consider a husband who ejaculates prematurely (before
his wife reaches orgasm). His wife is not quite sure what to do.
If she is aggressive toward him, he might withdraw because he
fears the "failure" associated with another sexual encounter.
Communication barriers begin to develop. Now, as a result of the
scars built by submerged communication, they not only have the
problem of premature ejaculation, but that very problem has been
made incapable of solution because of the communication tensions.
Obviously, the interpersonal interactions of all sexual problems
play an enormous part in the cause and solution to sexual
So, stop thinking he has a problem or she has a problem; it
should be WE have a problem. This is part of what Paul meant when
In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their
own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no
one ever hated his own body but he feeds and cares for it, just
as Christ does the church - for we are members of His body. For
this mason a man will leave his father and mother and will be
united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a
profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves
himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Eph.5:28-33).
You see, your mate's problems are your problems because you
are one, just like Christ and the church. The proper attitude is,
"Let's both of us go to a counsellor and see if we can get some
insight into our problem."
Avoid the "spectator role"
This is one of the most damaging barriers to sexual
stimulation. Instead of getting totally involved physically with
one's mate, forgetting everything else and lust "letting" sexual
arousal happen naturally, a person may mentally set himself apart
and observe his own responses. A person adopts this role because
he or she is afraid of failing to respond, and as a result, all
stimulation is blocked.
Thus, a couple struggling with the problem of an impotent
husband is handicapped because he is continually standing outside
the situation looking to see If he is able to get an erection.
Decide to stop worrying about your response and simply lose
yourself in the pleasures of sharing your mate's love.
Avoid goal-oriented performance
Too frequently, couples set the overcoming of particular
problems as the goals of their sexual encounters. This creates a
fear of failure - will I achieve my goal? If a wife has never had
an orgasm, the goal of sex may become her achievement of that.
Every encounter is entered into with the attitude, "Will we fail
again?" This fear of failure is the greatest barrier to success.
The man who cannot maintain an erection has fears every time he
approaches his wife sexually. He is completely distracted by the
thought that he might not have an erection. This worrying about
an entirely involuntary process is worse than useless. The wife
worries she might make it worse.
The wife who can't achieve orgasm often expects her husband
to "do something." He doesn't know what to do. He asks himself
why he can't satisfy her and worries so much about his own
performance that he can't relax.
As will be discussed later, a major step in solving any
sexual problem is to structure special sessions where it is
understood by both husband and wife before the lovemaking session
begins that nothing is expected.
Many myths about sexuality are often involved in sexual
problems. The only way to avoid them is to become sexually
For example, some believe a "peak" or "explosive" orgasm is
normal for all women. This is simply not true.
Unfortunately, many men still embrace the myth that penis
size has something to do with their being able to sexually
satisfy their wives. It actually has nothing to do with it. After
all, the vagina can accommodate the head of a baby! The issue in
satisfying your wife is not the size of the penis, but how you
Another myth is that simultaneous orgasm is the normal or
even the best way to have sexual intercourse. Miles reports in
his surveys that only 13.7 percent of the couples regularly
experience simultaneous orgasm. It is extremely difficult, if not
sometimes impossible, to time responses that are basically
involuntary. There can be just as much joy and self-giving love
involved in a husband first of all stimulating his wife to orgasm
and then her satisfying him, or vice versa.
One evening after speaking at a seminar on marriage, a young
woman came up to ask about a problem in her sexual relationship
with her husband. She had been married five years and had never
had an orgasm. In most cases this problem has psychological
causes, so I began to ask her some standard questions to see if I
could discern the root difficulty. It fumed out that she didn't
seem to have any psychological difficulties with sex. She
thoroughly loved sex and was very much in love with her husband
She had no bad attitudes that she was aware of, and she just
couldn't explain it.
Finally, after some fifteen minutes of discussion, it
occurred to me to ask her how long intercourse lasted. She
paused, thought for a moment and said, "I think about thirty
She thought something was wrong with her because she
couldn't have an orgasm in thirty seconds! Few women can. For
most, it takes from five to ten minutes of clitoral stimulation
for a climax. About 12 percent require ten minutes or more. On
the other hand, 75 percent of men can climax in under two minutes
During the early years of marriage, most women are usually
tolerant and understanding about premature ejaculation. But after
a while, a wife's frustration level may begin to rise, and she
may begin to resent her husband, feel used, and make accusations,
either verbal or implied, about his failure as a man. Each sexual
encounter becomes more and more painful emotionally. He tries to
delay his climax.
His wife, on the other hand, has no confidence in his
chances for success in the matter and consequently is grabbing,
thrusting, and demanding in order to achieve satisfaction before
he ejaculates. The friction she causes on the penis and the
stimulation of an active and aggressive wife only triggers his
orgasm sooner. This may ultimately lead to impotence due to the
continual psychological few of failure. A cycle begins. He won't
approach her because he's afraid he'll be premature, and she
won't approach him because she doesn't want to be left
Actually, this s one of the simplest of all sexual problems
to resolve. In 97.5 percent of the cases (according to one
study), it can be totally eliminated in a matter of weeks?
Surprisingly few men are aware of how to achieve control;
most fail to realize the basic reasons for the lack.
Often, involvement in premarital sex is a major cause.
Premarital encounters we often in the back seat of a car, or in
the parents' home, where the emphasis is on getting it over
quickly without getting caught. The goal becomes male
satisfaction as soon as possible. The result is that in just a
few encounters the man learns a selfish approach to sex and sets
habit patterns that are reinforced for years in marriage.
A husband should be able to enjoy fifteen minutes of
continuous thrusting and be able to build to thirty minutes of
actual intravaginal containment (not continuous thrusting). This
doesn't necessarily have to characterize every lovemaking
session, but you should have this capacity if you and your wife
are going to experience all the sensations God intended a husband
and wife to enjoy in their love.
Premature ejaculation is defined as the husband's inability
to control ejaculation for a sufficient length of time during
intravaginal containment to satisfy his wife in at least 50
percent of their times of sexual intercourse.
In the following pages I'll outline the treatment procedure
developed by Masters and Johnson that has brought relief to
nearly 98 percent of the couples who have applied it.
STEP 1- Eliminate past myths.
There are two main myths that hinder solution.
First, it has been taught that because men reach orgasm more
quickly, the wife should refrain from direct stimulation of the
husband prior to intercourse. The contrary is usually true. A man
is more likely to reach orgasm prematurely when he goes
unstimulated through a long period of preparatory arousal for the
woman. Because he becomes so preoccupied with the time for
intercourse, anticipation builds to an unbearable degree.
Furthermore, through stimulation, the wife can bring him to a
sexual peak prior to orgasm that actually reduces the need to
climax immediately, Of course, for the wife to refrain from full
participation removes the sense of physical intimacy and mutual
experience. The whole experience is reduced to getting her ready,
entering her, and ejaculating immediately. There is little
opportunity for intimacy.
Secondly, the myth that the man is supposed to put his mind
on other things needs to be rejected. I've seen Christian books
in which the man is instructed to mentally recite Bible verses to
get his mind off the pleasure he is experiencing! Others counsel
him to worry about business problems. There are two basic
downfalls to this "solution." It doesn't work, and it spoils the
sense of enjoyment!
STEP 2 - Commit your situation to the Lord as a couple.
Ask one another's forgiveness for any hurts that may have
developed in your marriage because of this problem, then join
together in prayer asking the Lord to give you the wisdom and
unconditional acceptance necessary to implement these steps. If
you are unable to pray about it openly in front of each other,
you do not have the necessary acceptance and freedom level to
solve the problem. If you can't pray about it, there are some
things in your relationship that need t obe resolved before you
be able to work at this. Most sexual problems are either caused
by spiritual and relationship problems, or they are made more
complicated by these factors.
STEP 3 - Employ the "squeeze technique."
Agree on a session of sexual stimulation with no goal
orientation, There will be no intercourse and no "failure," just
mutual sharing of love. The wife should sit at the head of the
bed with her legs spread. The husband lies between her legs on
his back with his head pointing toward the foot of the bed. His
genitals are now dose to those of his wife. The wife lovingly and
gently caresses her husband's genitals, especially the head of
the penis or wherever her husband directs her, to encourage him
As soon as he approaches orgasm, he gives the signal and she
applies the "squeeze technique." She places her thumb on the
underside of the penis just where the shaft ends and the head
begins (the frenulum). She also places the first two fingers of
that same hand on the opposite side of the penis, then squeezes
her thumb and first two fingers together with very had pressure
for at least four seconds. She should squeeze as hard as she can.
(On an erect penis this will cause no pain) This pressure will
immediately make him lose his desire to ejaculate, and he will
lose some of his erection. After fifteen to thirty seconds, she
repeats the procedure, manipulating him to full erection again
and repeating the squeeze.
STEP 4 - Intercourse in the "woman above" position.
After learning some control, the husband lies on his back
and the wife uses the squeeze technique two or three times: she
then straddles him and, leaning forward about 45 degrees, very
gently and slowly inserts the penis in her vagina. She should
remain motionless--giving her husband a chance to achieve
control. If he feels he is going to ejaculate, she merely raises
her body and repeats the squeeze procedure, then gently reinserts
the penis. After a few sessions of practice in this position, the
husband is to thrust just enough to maintain his erection until
they can stay in this position for fifteen or twenty minutes
before ejaculation. The "male above" position is the most
difficult in which to maintain control.
STEP 5 - Intercourse in lateral coital position.
After control increases, the couple is encouraged to move
from this female superior position to the lateral coital position
(sideways). Lying on her right side, she leans forward to he
against his chest as she extends her right leg behind her. He
bends his left knee, keeping it under her leg and flat against
the bed. This position leaves both partners with the greatest
freedom and comfort as well as the best ejaculatory control. It
has been found that couples who have tried this position use it
(by choice) about 75 percent of the times they have intercourse.
STEP 6 - Repetition once a week for six months.
You should use the squeeze technique at least once a week
for the next six months and practice it for about twenty minutes
at some time during each of the wife's menstrual periods.
Complete ejaculatory control is usually attained in six to
twelve months. By this we mean the husband develops control to
the point where he can restrain ejaculation indefinitely.
While the couple is learning these steps, it may be
necessary for the husband to use manual stimulation or other
agreeable means to give his wife sexual fulfilment.
It must be noted here that there often is temporary
impotence after the premature ejaculation problem is solved,
primarily due to increased frequency of the sex act.
Researchers tell us the squeeze technique is never effective
if done by the husband on himself - the wife must be involved.
Even if you are not having problems with premature ejaculation,
but you don't have sufficient control to maintain continuous
thrusting for fifteen minutes, this technique can be used to
build your control up to as long as your wife desires. By making
sideways motions with his hips the husband can stimulate his
wife's clitoris without bringing any friction on the penis,
significantly lengthening the time of intravaginal containment.
The most common combination of problems brought up during
counselling in regard to sex is premature ejaculation coupled
with "frigidity." This inability to climax is the most common
sexual dysfunction of women.
It has many causes. Religious background and negative
religious attitudes about sex often are major factors. The most
common factor is partner dissatisfaction. For some reason she
does not respect, trust, or admire her husband. A lack of strong
mate leadership is often related to the problem. Some women
simply have no sense of feeling in their vaginal areas. This is
almost always of psychological origin.
There are those who believe an overemphasis on toilet
training can be the first step toward orgasmic dysfunction later
in life! The little girl may be rushed into toilet training
before she is ready, and a big trauma develops over having bowel
movements. The little girls begins to think of her genitals as
dirty because it was made into such a big deal.
Heavy petting before marriage is a major factor. The
"start-stop" pattern is developed. Then she gets married and
doesn't know how to keep going.
The double standard of our society which says it's wrong for
the female but right for the male often carries over into
marriage. A routine and unimaginative approach by the husband
often results in orgasmic dysfunction.
Most important, as mentioned earlier, are you a shepherd to
your wife? Does she feel secure and totally accepted? Is there an
intimacy of relationship? Are you a leader? Do you communicate
strength and tenderness?
In the following pages I will enumerate some steps toward a
solution. Let me carefully qualify before I begin. Orgasmic
dysfunction is an extremely complex issue and these steps may be
helpful to only a few of the wives reading this book. It is
impossible to put something this delicate and involved into a
series of steps. Every situation is different; every relationship
STEP 1- Become factually informed.
Frequently this problem, like so many, is due to lack of
knowledge of some very simple physical, psychological, or
emotional factors. The best way to become factually informed is
to read reliable books. Here are some suggestions.
"Understanding Human Sexual Inadequacy," Belliveau and Richter
(Bantam Books). This excellent title text is a summary of some of
the key findings of Masters and Johnson.
"Human Sexual Inadequacy" (Boston: Little, Brown, and Company,
1970). There are chapters devoted to solutions of all sexual
dysfunctions common in marriage: impotence, premature
ejaculation, orgasmic dysfunction, painful intercourse,
vaginismus, sex in the aging etc.
"The Freedom of Sexual Love," Joseph and Lois Bird (Image Books,
Doubleday & Company,1970). It is generally Biblically based and
is very frank and specific.
"Physical Unity in Marriage," Shirley Rice (Tabernacle Church of
Norfolk, 7120 Granby Street, Norfolk, Virginia 23505). This book,
a sequel to "The Christian Home, A Woman's View," is loaded with
practical biblical and medical counsel. The book grew out of a
series of lectures Mrs.Rice has given around the country.
"Sexual Happiness in Marriage," Herbert J. Miles (Zondervan,
STEP 2 - As a couple, commit your (plural "your") problem to the
He is extremely concerned and grieved by the needless pain
and tension this has caused your marriage. He desires to help.
Open, frank prayer together about this issue will do much to open
up communication channels and bring the spiritual dimension to
bear on the situation. James says, "You do not have because you
do not ask God" (James 4:2).
STEP 3 - Re-establish communication.
There must be a total freedom of discussion between you on
sexual matters. "And the man and his wife were both naked and
were not ashamed" (Gen.2:25). There was no shame in Adam and
Eve's sexual relationship; there were no inhibitions.
If there are communication barriers developing in your
marriage over a problem; several things might help open them up.
Take the text of the Song of Solomon printed out in Appendix
2 of this book The husband should read the parts of Solomon, the
wife the parts of Shulamith and the chorus. As you read, stop and
comment on any items in the commentary that strike you as points
for discussion. Then move on to the next verse. Use the Word as
the basis for your discussion!
STEP 4 - Discern and overcome any negative feelings toward men.
Frigidity is like a log jam on a narrow stream, says
psychiatrist Robinson. When two or more logs jam up, all the rest
of the logs are blocked and cannot flow down the stream. A
gigantic jam stacks up behind the two logs. The emotional
problems, hurts, and communication barriers of frigidity are like
that jam. When two logs are pulled out, the whole jam begins to
flow down the river once again. The emotional jam we call
frigidity is often held in place by two basically negative
attitudes. The first is a negative attitude toward men, and the
second is a rejection of one's role as a woman.
How can a negative attitude toward men be overcome? Marie
Robinson suggests a simple answer, but it takes time. The
Scripture says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he" (Prov.
23:7). Paul tells the believers in Rome, "Do not conform any
longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind" (Rom.12:2). Begin by giving yourself some
time alone every day. It may be ten minutes, or it may be half an
hour, but do it regularly. During these private sessions, explore
your inner attitudes toward men. Strive to feel all your negative
emotions about your husband. You are advised to "only aim at this
point to let these negative feelings come to the surface, to seek
them out, experience them to the full." Do this by picking out
some small but repeated irritation or annoyance he causes you -
the more trifling, the better. Fix on it, then dare to allow your
emotions and thoughts about it to become dominant. Do not repress
them as you have trained yourself to do over the years.
It needs to be emphasized that it is quite possible you will
not have any negative thoughts about men at a conscious level.
One woman seemed to be annoyed only at her husband's sloppiness.
He left his clothes lying around the house and wouldn't put his
shaving cream away after using it in the morning. These were, as
far as she was concerned, mere trifles, and weren't worthy of her
emotional focus. She had suppressed them for years.
Under counselling, she was encouraged to explore this
"trifle" to see if there was anything there. As she allowed
herself to feel her irritation fully, she began to uncover a vast
log-jam of emotional resentment against men in general that she
had never been aware of at a conscious level. She interpreted her
husband's sloppiness as a symptom of his desire to treat her as a
slave and to confine her to demeaning labor. Her anger became
more explosive as she continued to reflect on the matter.
It quickly led to her underlying attitude about men in
general. All men ever do, she reasoned, is attempt to enslave
women and exploit them. All they ward from women is sex.
Furthermore, they are physically superior and therefore capable
of enforcing their demands.
Does your husband's behavior in public embarrass you? Has he
any annoying habit? Select some petty things, and allow yourself
to feel the full range of emotion that may lurk underneath. In
the beginning you are likely to find no very strong feelings or
passionate generalizations. But if you persist you will probably
find an area where your feelings are indeed intense and negative.
These emotions have remained hidden from your subconscious mind
for many years because of their emotional intensity.
Most frigid women believe their negative attitudes about men
actually represent reality. It is important to realize your
investigation is not going to prove your hidden fears to be
valid, but will prove them invalid. And the emotions are not
overwhelming therefore, there is no need to fear this emotional
exploration process. It is of utmost importance to recognize in
advance that whatever emotions turn up are feelings and not
What good does all this do? One of the major contributions
of modern psychiatry has been the establishment of the fact that
attitudes and feelings have the power to do lasting harms only
when they are hidden from one's awareness. As soon as these
negative feelings become fully conscious, they automatically lose
the major part of their power to do harm. Once irrational
feelings are externalized and can be looked at logically, the
drive toward normal psychological health takes over, and release
occurs. The next step is to commit them to the Lord and ask Him
to remove them from your life.
Furthermore, you must look in Scripture to see the true
picture of masculinity. Jesus was very aggressive; he was very
courageous; he was a very masculine man. These characteristics,
particularly aggressiveness, are not wrong. They do not represent
an attack on the female sex or an attempt by men to dominate.
They are part of God's design into male biology.
STEP 5 - Deal ruthlessly with any fantasies.
Some frigid women are dissatisfied with their roles as
women. They daydream about various jobs and vocations that are
more "valuable" than being wives and mothers. Often they spring
from a childhood desire to be an actor, artist, dancer, or
concert pianist. Sometimes they concern becoming a corporation
president, a doctor, or a lawyer - anything but a beloved wife.
These daydreams protect the daydreamer from an inferiority
complex. It doesn't matter that she is unable to love: someday
(perhaps next year) she will be an actress or a lawyer.
Dr.Robinson suggests the next step in overcoming orgasmic
dysfunction is to recognize this daydream for what it is. Let it
roll on and on. Dwell upon its glamor. Explore all the details of
the fantasy. It will soon become apparent that it is impossible.
The dream that has been hidden just below the threshold of
consciousness is now totally exposed and seen for what it
is--pure childishness. Once the objective factors take over, the
And it must subside because it has become a psychological
defense mechanism preventing the frigid woman from surrendering
totally to her role as a woman. As long as a woman clings to
these impossible notions, the blockage in her emotions prevents
her from dealing realistically with life. She is not an actress
or a corporation president, and God probably doesn't intend that
for her. If she is married, God's will for her is to put her
husband and children first, and to find her identity and security
in total yieldedness to her husband. She must literally "believe
and let go" if she's going to experience orgasms.
STEP 6 - Strive for a biblical and positive view of men and the
The frigid woman tends to fear or resent male dominance and
aggressiveness. She views it as a threat or an attempt to exploit
her. "All he ever wants is sex," she may say. However, male
aggressiveness was built into men by the Creator. Before Eve was
created, Adam was given the command to name the animals. In the
Hebrew culture, to have authority to name was to have authority
over. Thus, Adam named Eve (Gen. 2:23), indicating his authority
Note this was before the Fall. Thus, God's original ideal is
that the man is in control, and the female is under his
authority, this is not an arrangement forced into the course of
human affairs because of sin, but is God's original intent. Thus,
when your husband takes initiative, when he is competitive, when
he is aggressive, he is simply fulfilling his biological destiny
built into him by the Creator. It is now a proven fact that
there are innate differences between the sexes. The Lord gave man
the male hormone, androgen, which is responsible for
aggressiveness. Men with a double chromosome tend to be
hypermasculine, very tall, aggressive, impulsive, and often
violent and delinquent from an early age.
Marie Robinson maintains frigid women must make a
re-evaluation of the male sex. These women often have little real
knowledge of what men are actually like. Men seem to be powers,
not people. By making a re-evaluation and seeing that male
aggressiveness is God-given, she can begin to understand her
husband as he is and achieve the ability to love him in all of
his uniqueness and individuality.
Because a woman's energies are mainly directed inward, in
preparation for motherhood and maintaining a home, she often
misunderstands her husband when he takes a neat home for granted.
He has invested a major portion of his pride elsewhere - in his
work. He is doing the business to which God has called him. His
sloppiness does not indicate his indifference to his wife;
however, the frigid woman will often interpret it that way. He is
rejecting her sphere as unimportant, she reasons.
The sex act itself most typically represents male
aggression. The thrusting of the penis becomes offensive to the
frigid woman. To a normal woman this is of course highly
desirable, but the frigid woman can personalize it as an act of
aggression by men against women.
She is antagonistic to aggression and does not understand
it. His strength and ability to master her environment makes her
feel drab. If men were out to enslave women, women could be
justified in fearing, hating, and envying man's central strength
and aggressiveness. But is he? Once a woman examines this central
point, her whole basic attitude can be changed.
Consider the burden upon the average male. In the name of
love, he sets his personal freedom aside and marries, thereby
taking on the responsibility to provide. He shoulders full
responsibility for his wife and children.
As a woman, think for a moment how you would feel if your
child were suddenly deprived of food, shelter, and clothing.
Generally, these thoughts are only casual passing thoughts to a
woman, but a man carries them daily. Every morning he realizes
his success or failure in business determines his family's
happiness and security. Women, unless they are very close to
their men, do not realize how seriously the average husband
takes this responsibility. The responsibility at times becomes
enormous. The competition in the market place today is
increasing. The economy is unstable. Every man knows if he
falters in his job, he can be easily replaced. Few women could
take the daily strain the average man assigns to himself when he
signs the marriage contract.
Consider your husband's aggressiveness in light of the
tremendous duties and responsibilities God has placed upon him.
He is responsible before God to rule and have dominion over the
planet. He is responsible to provide for his own: "If anyone does
not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate
family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever"
As you consider your husband's aggressiveness in this light,
you can see it is a necessary part of him if he is to fulfil
these responsibilities. Then you are able to feel admiration
instead of anger, resentment, or envy. Far from seeking to
enslave women through their strength, husbands use that strength
and aggressiveness for just the opposite reason-to protect and
care for their loved ones. He makes it safe for you to be
feminine, to bear children with a sense of security, and to raise
them. You know he is always watching over you, protecting you,
and is terribly anxious about your safety and happiness. By
looking at the end to which male aggression is directed when it
matures, can any woman honestly hold such resentment? The same
male aggression that initiates the sexual act is the aggression
that protects her, provides for her, and allows her to be a wife
Frequently his male ego, his sloppiness, his irritableness,
his slackness are simply the outlets for a day "on the hunt." He
doesn't necessarily tell you of all his humiliations, defeats,
and things that upset him during the day because he doesn't want
to burden you with them. It you see him in this light, it will be
difficult to harbor any deep-seated resentments.
STEP 7 - Surrender to your role.
It should be clear by now that a central thesis of this book
is that there is an immediate connection between the Bible's role
relationship teachings and a woman's capacity to experience
orgasm in marriage. May I now suggest that an approximate synonym
for "frigidity" is "lack of submission"! Furthermore, an
approximate psychological synonym for "orgasm" is "Yieldedness."
It was encouraging to me to see a secular psychiatrist, Marie
Robinson, making the same observations.
There are two basic logs in the emotional log jam that
prevent normal orgasm in women. The first is a negative attitude
toward men, coupled with envy of their role and what it would be
like if wives could live out their fantasy roles. The second
major log jam is role reversal.
Once these two logs are removed, the whole river begins to
flow naturally and all of a woman's basic emotional and spiritual
drives will push her into normal orgasm. Of course, many women
who rebel at the idea of submission and are quite hostile to men
nevertheless do experience an orgasm of sorts. But it is a
surface physical release, not the full-throbbing, deep-seated
convulsion involving the total body, soul, and spirit that is the
biological and spiritual destiny of the totally yielded woman.
Furthermore, there are many outwardly submissive, feminine
women who either never experience orgasm or who experience a
surface orgasm on the level of mere physical release. However,
may I advise these women to seriously consider their inner
feelings toward men and to inquire into their understanding of
total submission and what it means practically.
In a word, the biblical definition of total submission is
"no resistance." Resistance is like logs in the emotional jam
that block the emotional flow of the river. Dr.Robinson explains;
"As the woman who has suffered from frigidity explodes her
groundless fears one by one and explores a new attitude toward
men, toward love, toward motherhood, feels a new esteem for her
husband - all these things happen, her lifelong restlessness
begins to depart. For the first time she realizes just how
restless she has been, how unsatisfied she feels, how
precariously balanced her life, inwardly and outwardly, has
always felt. Now something deep within her relaxes, lets down.
When this happens, she is beginning to experience the essential
attribute of all that is truly feminine, spiritual tranquility."
The Women's Liberation Movement will, perhaps more than
anything else, increase the very problem its leaders think they
will solve - this inner female restlessness and lack of a sense
of fulfilment. Betty Friedan calls it the "problem that has no
name." Since nearly 40 percent of American women do not regularly
experience orgasm, and since that experience is related to
biblical teachings on role relationship, the Women's Liberation
Movement falsely concludes that biblical role relationship was
the cause of the "restlessness." Just the contrary - it's the
failure to apply the role relationship teachings of the Bible
that has caused the "problem that has no name." It's the male
failure more than the female, but the Bible is not the problem;
it's the failure of human beings to apply its principles.
It's said that a few upper-class female intellectuals have
been given a platform to project their own personal problems onto
all American women. Most American women have no problems with the
notion of role relationship. In theory because they sense that
God built these concepts genetically into male and female
relationships. The application of the role relationship is
generally complicated by the failure of men to assume a
For a woman, full orgasm requires a total trust in her
partner. The full physical experience is so intense there is a
momentary loss of consciousness. She feels as though she s
hanging from the edge of that three-story building and is
instructed to "believe and let go." She can't do it unless she
Do you as a husband provide that atmosphere of trust and
security by assuming responsibility for her, protecting her, and
demonstrating self-giving love? Sometimes men tend to be so
thoughtful and considerate of their "wife's problem" that their
lack of firmness is interpreted as passivity and a lack of
masculine strength which can cause her to lose respect and trust.
In sexual intercourse, as in life, man is the actor and the woman
is the one acted upon. To give oneself in this passive manner
involves total trust. Any vestige of hostility, or fear of ones
role, will clearly show in the sexual embrace.
You must be more than willing to submit to your husband in
general. There must be a genuine excitement about the act of
surrender pictured in sexual intercourse itself. There must be an
eagerness to surrender. Have you ever wondered why Paul taught
that sexual intercourse was intended by God as a portrait of
Christ and the church? He says of the one-flesh relationship
(sexual relationship), "This is a profound mystery--but I am
talking about Christ and the church" (Eph.5:32).
The church submits totally to Christ. Indeed, the individual
believer eagerly submits to Christ, and the result is what?
Peace, joy, emotional freedom and release, new love and all of
the fruits of the Spirit. Sex is to picture that same total
submission by the wife and total protection and love by the
In light of this discussion, let's consider 1 Pet.3:1-6.
"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that,
if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over
without talk by the behavior of their wives, when they see the
purity and reverence of your lives."
A common problem then, as well as now, is a believing woman
married to an unbelieving husband. Notice, Peter says he is to be
won to Christ "without talk" (without any preaching), but by
godly behavior. One aspect of the behavior is a "submissive"
3:3 Your beauty should not come from (ONLY - as taught by
the rest of the Bible - Keith Hunt) outward adornment, such as
braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.
3:4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the
missing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great
worth in God's sight.
The arrival of this gentle and quiet spirit results directly
from the fact that a woman really allows herself to trust her
husband (no resistance) in a very deep sense. This inner spirit
is exactly the opposite of Betty Friedan's "problem that has no
name" or the restlessness of American women. Feminine tranquility
of spirit is a very precious thing to God. The only other time He
uses the phrase "great worth" is in reference to the precious
blood of Christ.
The frigid woman can trust no man. Consequently, her
approach to life is very painful and difficult. She feels
responsible for everything. She certainly can't just let go and
trust her husband to take care of it! Details overwhelm her. She
has to fight her feelings and resentments about her role just to
get routine housework done.
The biggest obstacle to submitting totally is fear. Peter
notes this concern in verses 5 and 6.
3:5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put
their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were
submissive to their own husbands.
3:6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her
master. You are her daughter if you do what is right and do not
give way to fear.
Notice the last word, "and do not give way to fear." If some
of you men are wondering why your wives don't seem to support
you, but instead always compete with you, they may be afraid of
what will happen if they let go completely. That fear that no one
will take care of them, that no one will assume responsibility,
carries over into the marriage bed. It can be a major reason for
her inability to have orgasms. She is afraid to trust you
completely because she suspects you might do something similar to
what Abraham did to Sarah.
In his fear for his own life, he told his wife to sleep with
a foreign king (Genesis 20). Note, however, that Sarah obeyed
Abraham, and God intervened. God does not always intervene, and
if it had come to sleeping with that king, Sarah should have
disobeyed her husband. But she obeyed him and trusted God, and as
a result God protected her where her husband failed.
(Now that last sentence by Dillow is off the wall. The account
gives no indication that Sarah would have gone ahead and slept
with the king. God's commands come FIRST, above whatever a man
may say, you OBEY God. A husband has NO right to tell or allow
his wife to sleep with another man. God did in this case
intervene, but if He had not, Sarah would have refused the king's
desire, and would have then told the truth about Abraham being
her husband. If Sarah had gone ahead and slept with the king, she
would have sinned, and two sins do not make a right - Keith Hunt)
Here is the tremendous advantage the Christian woman has
over the non-Christian woman in overcoming the problems of
inability to achieve orgasm. The Christian woman can place her
trust in God, obey her husband, and find a sense of security (to
a degree) that would come from trusting one's husband. Hence she
can submit totally even when her husband is disobedient to the
Word, because her protection comes from God, and He will never
fail her. Sarah overcame the fear barrier by realizing her
ultimate trust was in God, wives today can do the same.
(BUT again, if Dillow is teaching, a wife can sin because she
follows his leadership and authority, then Dillow is off the wall
and from planet Pluto. NO ONE, in marriage or out of marriage,
has to SIN because a man has some authority per se. A man's
leading and authority in marriage COME TO A STOP, if he tells or
tries to command his wife to SIN! - Keith Hunt).
As an illustration of these principles at work in real life,
allow me to share Mary's story with you. Mary is a very
intelligent businesswoman. She was phenomenally well-organized
and efficient, and was able to run a business with her husband
and maintain a good home at the same time. In her marriage she
was always the leader. In fact, she and her husband had talked
the situation over, and both had agreed she was more competent
and should be the leader.
It was her goal in life to be the president of her own
corporation. She hated the word submission and was in constant
competition with her husband. She wanted to do the best, do the
most, and insisted on her own ideas. Surprisingly, for thirteen
years of marriage they had a very good relationship and genuinely
loved each other. Their communication was good and their love was
deep. However, in the sexual area, their marriage was in
jeopardy. She had never been able to have a climax. They were
relatively wealthy, and could afford extensive psychological
counselling. They flew to more than twenty states and had
numerous sessions with many doctors and counsellors. Nothing
seemed to work. Finally, she found Christ, and a new life began.
Shortly after her conversion, she attended a marriage
seminar for women my wife teaches around the country. There, for
the first time, she understood the beauty of role relationship as
portrayed in the Bible. All the false notions were removed, and
she was able to eagerly submit to her new role. Here is an
excerpt from one of her letters:
"It seems incredible to me that Jesus has given me so much in
life. . . then to dump all of this joy on me is overwhelming.
Since your seminar, He's made it so easy for me, maybe knowing
that I had the farthest to go, knowing that I had to change every
fiber, every attitude rd developed for thirty-three years. Only
He knows how I fought the word "submissive"! Only He knows how I
wanted to lead, be the best, do the most, be the perfectionist,
show my ideas! My giant ego. Now he's given me a new plan and a
new purpose for my life. My only daily goal now is to do whatever
pleases Bill. God's plan has taken away my competitiveness, my
aggressiveness, and given me the strength to become a whole new
person. My husband has become the most wonderful leader you could
ever imagine. Our home is so happy, so free of stress, free of
tension that everyone who visits can almost see the light that
Jesus has turned on in every room. Bill is no longer just part of
my life, he's my whole life. My career may have to go. . . if it
does, I know my Lord will replace it with something many times
more meaningful, of that, I have not one doubt."
(That's a whole lot OTHER BALL GAME than teaching a woman, wives,
have to sin because her husband is in authority - Keith Hunt)
When this family began to implement God's plan, new life
flowed. Mary, for the first time in her life, now experiences
orgasm regularly in less than three minutes! The turning point
was when she decided to surrender. In her case she actually made
a contract with God on the day she surrendered. Here is how she
"I, today, Wednesday, November 20, vow to myself, not to suggest,
tell, nag, or criticize Bill on how to run his business. I will
bite my tongue, leave the premises or whatever necessary, not to
give my opinion. My knowing that my opinions are right will be
satisfaction enough - no one else need share how smart and
terrific I really am. I am now willing to accept his business
failure to enforce this rule!! I will read this each day before I
start my work. If I should fail to achieve this goal even twice,
I will quit my job, knowing it is a hindrance to my becoming 'The
(I have no doubt that this is what SOME women may have to do, if
happiness in ALL their life is needed. Then on the other hand, a
man who does not have the sense to see that his wife has some
very good "brains" and that he needs to take her counsel or
opinion on matters, perhaps needs to go and see a "servant of the
Lord" who knows how to guide him in good logical sense - Keith
Mary discovered the secret of sexual surrender, and once the
emotional log jam was released, the ability to orgasm flowed
naturally as a part of her spiritual destiny.
STEP 8 - Overcome inhibitions.
Besides the psychological blocks mentioned in Step 7,
probably the second biggest emotional barrier to achieving orgasm
is inhibition. Most women come into marriage with a fair share of
inhibition, and a marriage license doesn't automatically take
that away. These inhibitions can block the freedom of total
Inhibitions not only plague the non-orgasmic woman, they
stifle the orgasmic woman as well. They are frequently the cause
of much tension and resentment on the part of the husband. Often
a wife desires to be otherwise, but hasn't the faintest idea how
to deal with the problem.
The first step in removing inhibitions is the renewal of the
mind. You must saturate your mind with God's viewpoint on sex. If
you have read this far, you have already begun that process. But
it's not enough just to read in order to have our minds
transformed. It needs to be saturated with Scripture. "Do not
conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be
transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Rom.12:2). Because the
world tends to flaunt the body and sex, it is natural for
Christians to associate inhibition with Christian modesty and the
"sacredness" of sex. Actually, based on the Song of Solomon and
the rest of the Bible, inhibition outside marriage reflects
Christian modesty but within marriage reflects the pattern of
this world. The world system cheapens and degrades sex, but
paradoxically, within marriage many women are still inhibited.
Because the world exploits the female body to the ultimate, some
Christian women desire to be the opposite of the world. The world
exposes the body, so they conceal it. They are not going to be
like the nasty women in the Playboy centerfold and reveal their
bodies to their husbands or do the things "those girls" do.
In order to saturate one's mind with Scripture, it must
first be memorized. May I suggest you consider memorizing
passages from the Song of Solomon or the rest of Scripture
relating to sex (1 Cor.7:1-5; Gen.2:21-25; Eph.5:28-33; and
especially Prov.5:15-20). Select passages from the Song that are
particularly meaningful to you. Many women have found Song 7:1-9
especially helpful in this regard.
Not long ago my wife counselled a woman who was having
severe problems with inhibitions. Every time they made love, the
emotional blocks almost paralyzed her from making any kind of
positive response. My wife gave her the above advice and told her
to memorize some meaningful Scripture from the Song and repeat
them to God in prayer all during the week. In the Song, Shulamith
reflects on her husband's body (Song 5:10-16). She reflects on
their lovemaking experiences (Song 7:1-9; 1:15-2:6; 4:1-5:1).
These passages might be a good place for you to start.
My wife told her she was going to call her in one week to have
her repeat over the phone all the verses she had memorized. A
week later she recited over twenty verses she had memorized and
meditated on during the week. When asked how it had helped, she
exclaimed, "It's like a miracle; meditating on God's Word has
completely released me." She said that while she was making love
with her husband the old blocks would sometimes come up. She
would immediately meditate on the relevant Scripture passages,
and the Word of God would erase the block!
Along with the meditation, it is important to decide in your
will that you will be what your particular husband needs
physically. We often tend to wait for our feelings. But in the
Christian life God wants us to live by our wills. He wants us to
make decisions, and then the feelings will follow. So now you
must do whatever you have had a block about. Don't wait for the
inhibitions to somehow just vanish away. Probably the longer you
wait, the more inhibited you'll become. It's not going to get any
One woman said that early in their marriage her husband
asked her to tell him in detail everything he could do to please
her physically, and everything she was going to do to pleasure
The embarrassed bride said with a gulp, "In detail?"
And the husband replied, "Yes honey, in detail. I would really
like you to do that."
She had a choice to make. She could either say to her
husband, "That really embarrasses me; I just can't do that" Or
she could overcome her embarrassment and do what she knew God
wanted her to do - please her husband. The first time she was
embarrassed; the second time it got a little easier, and the
third time it wasn't very difficult at all.
(Huuuummmm, maybe it will work for some men and women, maybe a
woman can eventually do something like that, BUT frankly, some
may not be able, and SO the husband SHOULD NOT MAKE AN ISSUE over
it. He also better learn that he has to adapt to his wife - Keith
Give God time to work. It's a process. I've known women who
have been released from all inhibitions overnight, but that is
the exception rather than the rule. One woman confided that from
the time she really knew what God said in Scripture, it took her
nearly two years to completely overcome her inhibitions, but it
was a steadily upward climb.
STEP 9 - Exercise and develop the P.C. muscle.
A recent medical discovery has enabled millions of American
women to experience orgasm for the first time in their marriages.
It all began in the 1940s, when Dr.Kegel, a California
gynecologist, was treating female patients for stress
incontinence. This problem afflicts many women. It involves the
passing of urine accidentally when they laugh or sneeze and can
obviously be very embarrassing. Dr.Kegel speculated that the
muscle supporting the birth canal and the urinary passage could
be the key. Thus he developed a set of exercises for his patients
to try to develop and strengthen this muscle. The exercise proved
beneficial, and today these exercises, known as the Kegel
exercises, are standard technique in cases of stress
As his patients began to report their progress, many of them
announced something completely unexpected - they were
experiencing orgasms for the first time. Kegel was sceptical at
first that there could be any connection with the exercises, but
the repeated coincidence of improvement in stress incontinence
with orgasmic function led him to believe there was something to
It is now an established fact that poor muscle tone in this
P.C. muscle (puboooccygeus muscle) is a factor in the orgasmic
dysfunction of millions of women. If used to be thought the
problem was entirely of psychological origin, and in most cases
it is. In some, however, it's simply a matter of poor muscle
tone. Nearly 40 percent of American women register a lack of P.C.
Control can easily be learned. In fact, knowledge of this
muscle is common in other cultures and is frequently a part of
marriage preparation. In one African tribe, for instance, no girl
may marry until she is able to exert strong pressure with the
If these exercises are faithfully applied, control can be
developed in six to eight weeks. The muscle can be fully
developed in about eight months, after which it can exert
pressure on the penis like that of a clenched fist. It is then
even possible for a woman to bring her husband to an orgasm while
in the female above position by doing nothing but contracting
this muscle - with no other movement. Thus, when you as a wife
develop this muscle for your own benefit, it is also a definite
factor in giving increased pleasure to your husband.
(Yes, it is very true, this is the muscles in the vagina area of
the female body - Keith Hunt)
How then can the P.C. muscle be developed? The best way to
team the feeling of the contraction is to remember that this is
the muscle that holds back the flow of urine. However, there are
other muscles besides the P.C, which also help control urine
flow. In order to keep these other muscles out of the exercise,
urine flow must be controlled with the knees widely separated.
Once the flow has begun, make an effort to stop it. After a few
trials, most women can recognize the sensation and can repeat the
contractions anytime, anywhere. There is very little physical
effort involved. Once the contraction is properly learned, it is
no more difficult than blinking the eye.
You should begin every morning with five or ten contractions
before arising. Work up to six contractions in a row, made at ten
intervals a day. This totals sixty contractions. Each contraction
should be held for about two seconds at this stage. Thus, sixty
contractions involve a total of about two minutes a day.
Gradually the number of sessions should increase. Twenty
contractions per session bring the total to 120 (four minutes a
day). If this is done while urinating three times, as well as
once before arising, once at some other time, and once after
retiring, the total of 120 is reached. In six weeks you should
work up to 300 contractions a day with fifty contractions at each
of six intervals. Now, only hold the contractions for one second
each instead of two. Thus, we are talking about a total of 300
seconds a day or a mere five minutes!
You should be able to note some sexual changes within three
weeks. Full development can be achieved in six to eight weeks. If
this exercise is kept up for nine months, gradually increasing to
about 600 contractions a day (about 10 minutes), the vagina can
be developed to give unusual pleasurable sensations to your
husband during intercourse
(Dillow has got to be joking - 600 contractions a day! Most women
ain't got that much time. You should be able to develop that
muscle in WAY less time, just got to learn the pressure push
needed in that part of the body - Keith Hunt)
The value of this exercise is not only physical but
psychological. It is helpful for a wife to fantasize about
gripping her husband's penis while attempting the exercise. This
cannot help but focus your mind on sexual thoughts and will
likely increase your desire. Thus, this exercise becomes an
excellent way of bringing your level of sexual desire up to your
husband's. Furthermore, it can give a woman a sense of an
"active" part in sexual intercourse. The P muscle offers a
concept of the vagina, not merely as a receiver of action, but as
It is very importamt hat a woman struggling with frigidity
have an active attitude toward achieving orgasm, She must eagerly
reach out and strive for the orgasm. She can't just wait to see
if it will happen. It is not selfish to reach out for this
pleasure, and it is not wrong to think sexual thoughts about your
husband during the day. Shulamith did (Song 5:10-16).
For a full explanation of the P.C. muscle and its place in
sexual function, may I suggest you purchase "The Key to Feminine
Response in Marriage" by Ronald M. Deutsch (New York: Random
STEP 10 - Develop tactile sensation without any intention of
moving to orgasm.
Some frigid women have absolutely no physical sensation in
the vaginal area at all. They are not even conscious of sexually
pleasurable feelings. This situation is mainly of psychological
origin, but along with the psychological steps (Steps 1-8), these
last four steps of a physical nature can be helpful. However, do
not try to implement these physical procedures without first
dealing as thoroughly as possible with the spiritual and
psychological issues. Those are the foundation, and we are now
discussing the superstructure.
As a woman learns to yield, genital sensations will
gradually increase. It is helpful, however, for her to learn to
feel sexually with external physical techniques also. This can be
done in several ways. Have your husband give you a body massage.
Make it long and loving. The purpose is simply to help you become
aware of sensual feelings. Love can be communicated by touch.
It Is very important that both partners have a mutual
agreement that the purpose of the session is not to bring the
wife to an orgasm. If she feels she is supposed to climax as a
result, the goal orientation will set in and may block her
response, The goal at this stage is not to climax but simply to
learn awareness of tactile feelings all over the body. Your wife
might like you to draw fur or silk scarves across her body and
breasts. Again the goal is simply a relaxed enjoyment of one
another's presence, loving conversation, and learning to feel
tactile sensations not necessarily of a sexual nature. Obviously,
it will be necessary for the wife to bring her husband to a
climax toward the end of the session either manually or through
intercourse. But her orgasm is not to be considered part of the
session unless for some reason she wants to.
STEP 11 - Practice structured genital sensation.
Once tactile awareness is being built (perhaps after five or
six sessions), Masters and Johnson suggest that structured
genital stimulation begin. Once again, the goal is not orgasm,
but learning to feel sexuality. In Step 10, the genitals should
be avoided. In this step they should be concentrated on. There
must be no demand on the husband's part for his wife to achieve
The husband sits leaning against pillows at the head of the
bed with the woman seated between his legs, her back against his
chest and her head resting on one of his shoulders. This position
is conducive to a sense of security and trust as the husband's
arms are felt around her. She separates her legs and extends them
across her husband's legs. The husband now has full access to any
part of her body. The wife should then place her hand lightly
over her husband's so she can signal him to touch more lightly,
heavily, or in a different place. Thus, she can communicate her
wishes in a physical way without having to talk.
Clitoral stimulation should be along the side of the
clitoral shaft rather than on the glans (head). Touching the
glans (tip) of the clitoris too soon can reduce her sexual
tension immediately or may actually cause pain. Start with light
stroking motions on the breasts, belly and thighs, then to the
genital area as the wife directs.
The effectiveness of this session is not in any way related
to whether or not she achieves an orgasm, because once again,
that is not the session's purpose. The purpose of this exercise
is to give the woman a chance to focus on her own sexual
feelings, to discover what her preferences are, and to
communicate this information to her husband. When the wife
knows that nothing is demanded of her, that she has complete
freedom to express herself, and that she will soon have another
chance for sexual activity, there is a build-up of sexual feeling
that eventually will result in a climax. The response is
impossible to will or to force.
STEP 12 - Intercourse in the female above position.
After three or four sessions of Step 10, shift to several
sessions of actual intercourse in the woman astride position.
Begin penetration very slowly; the wife must control it
completely. She should hold herself still so she can savor the
feelings of penetration without any demand to climax. Shortly
after entry, she should begin to contract the P.C. muscle as this
will help focus her sensations. As her sexual tension elevates
and she wants more stimulation, she can move slowly back and
forth on the penis for a brief time. Only after three or four
sessions of this, or when sexually demanding feelings begin to
develop in the vagina, should the man begin any pelvic thrusting.
He should then thrust slowly and in a non-demanding manner,
letting her determine the pace she prefers.
Obviously, this whole procedure will require the husbands
total cooperation. He must demonstrate enormous amounts of
self-giving love (as Christ loved the church) and sympathy, and
live with his wife in a truly "understanding way" (1 Pet.3:7). It
will be necessary for the wife to satisfy her husband during each
session, but her orgasm is not to be the objective until it just
happens as the culmination of all the steps.
Entered on this Website November 2007